Opportunistic Telemarketing March 2004 by Shoshana D. Brown It's happened to all of us. You're eating dinner having sex watching a pivotal episode of reality television when the phone rings. The caller ID shows a blocked number. Sure, you could let the machine pick up, but then you start thinking, what if it's your mother calling collect from a pay phone because she crashed her car into a fire hydrant, she's bleeding from the head, and if you don't pick up the phone she's going to die. So you grab the receiver. You hear the telltale click. And then someone who barely speaks English is trying to sell you a newspaper subscription. Don't despair. We've developed several useful strategies to turn this disaster into the opportunity of a lifetime…or at the very least to provide yourself with several seconds of amusement. Strategy 1: If you can't get rid of them, confuse them Annoyed Consumer: Hello? Hapless Telemarketer: May I speak with Eliza Blackbird? AC: My name is Elizabeth Blackwell. HT: The reason I'm calling today, Ms. Blackbird, is that I can offer you a very exciting opportunity to purchase a subscription to the San Jose Mercury News for a substantial discount over our normal rate. For only $39.95, you'll receive - AC: That's very nice of you, but I'm afraid I can't read. HT: Can't read? AC (cheerfully): That's right. I'm blind as a bat. Deaf too. HT: But you're talking to me. AC: Didn't say I was a mute, did I? HT: But how can you hear what I'm saying? AC: Hmm…you're right. I can't hear you. I'd better get off the phone. Strategy 2: Annoy the telemarketer more than he/she is annoying you Annoyed Consumer: Hello? Hapless Telemarketer: May I speak with Eliza Blackbird? AC: My name is Elizabeth Blackwell. HT: The reason I'm calling today, Ms. Blackbird is that I can offer you a very exciting opportunity to purchase a subscription to the San Jose Mercury News for a substantial discount over our normal rate. For only $39.95, you'll receive - AC: Where are you calling from? HT: Me? AC: Yes, you. HT: San Antonio, Texas. AC: You're calling me from Texas to ask if I want to buy a subscription to a California newspaper? HT: Well, ma'am, our call center is in Texas. AC: Have you ever been to California? HT: No, ma'am. Well, once, when I was six. But I didn't leave the airport. AC: So what, exactly, makes you qualified to sell me a California newspaper? HT: Well, they do give us a free copy to look through. AC: Really? Then could you check the sports section for me? Did the Giants win last night? Strategy 3: Use telemarketing calls as an opportunity to market your own array of shoddy goods Annoyed Consumer: Hello? Hapless Telemarketer: May I speak with Eliza Blackbird? AC: My name is Elizabeth Blackwell. HT: The reason I'm calling today, Ms. Blackbird is that I can offer you a very exciting opportunity to purchase a subscription to the San Jose Mercury News for a substantial discount over our normal rate. For only $39.95, you'll receive - AC: $39.95? What a coincidence. My revolutionary new [penis enlargement cream / weight loss system / shiny red apple] is available for only four easy payments of $39.95. HT: Ma'am? AC: You can put that on your Visa or MasterCard, or you can send cash directly. And don't worry, your satisfaction is guaranteed.

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